im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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