Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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