I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
