someone threw a dead crab at me
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
