I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
