my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
