Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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