hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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