Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
