I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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