So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
