so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
