Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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