pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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