I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
