areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
