I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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