It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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