Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
