After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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