when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize