booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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