saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize