She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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