I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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