The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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