I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize