His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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