So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
