He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
