one word: firstdatebathroomanal
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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