We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
