I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
