Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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