Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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