last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
