I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
