I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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