I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
