so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
