I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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