Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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