so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
