like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
