Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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