took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
