im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
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