Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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