How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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