just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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