Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
