pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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