My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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