I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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