I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize