I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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